I went swimming today, and it felt great. Over the past few weeks it’s become a regular activity, which is doing me a world of good. I feel like I can work out all my issues in the pool, and the water just holds me up gently.
Today has brought me back to Lana Del Rey’s Video Games, which sucks. As long as I keep it playing in my head in bits and not out loud on Itunes I should be ok. It’s really sad to see the end of a relationship, and to watch people pull away from each other even as they don’t want to. Our lives have become pretty complex, and people have built up a lot of protective layers to guard themselves. People are really afraid to be vulnerable. I was prone to putting up walls when I was younger, and I grew up being shy and having a small circle of friends. But as I grew older, I realized how important it was to allow people in, as you gain so much from it.
When I was young, it felt like I had some control or power because I held back parts of myself. Part of it comes from being an introvert, which I cannot (and don’t want to) change about myself and am perfectly comfortable with. But the rest of it points to having deep seated insecurities. I was lucky, I grew up in South East Asia on a bunch of islands. People there are really mellow, and really open, friendly and caring. I learned a lot because of it. I also grew up around a lot of people from different cultures who moved around a lot, so you have to get good at getting to know people quickly and opening up to them because otherwise you’ll miss out on really great people and always feel lost in the sea of constant change.
Which brings me to my current state. I really let go this time, and I’m glad I did. Even though I’m feeling overwhelmed right now as I’m trying to keep up with the job hunt. I sincerely hope I’ll feel safe enough to do it again someday.
The one very constructive thing that’s come out of the dips in my mood is an artistic period; I’m coming up with a pretty decent number of song ideas and really wish I could spend more time working on them and recording the ones for the short album I want to finish. This would be the perfect time to get in a studio.
Massive Attack’s Teardrop was rolling around in my head when I decided I had to make a chocolate-strawberry smoothie out on the street earlier today. I just made some, and it’s delicious. Frozen strawberries, cocoa powder, honey, and soy milk.
I’m starting to get things in order for the next move while trying to job hunt furiously and remain functional. It’s working out ok given the circumstances I guess. 🙂 Pretty stressed out as a result. Listening to a lot of intense minor music, John Williams (the guitarist), Tool, Cells (by The Servant). Great stuff.
I’ve been in far worse shape physically and in a lot more pain, and in a far worse situation in terms of money and immigration status. But heartbreak does some funny things to you in destroying your ability to find your usual fighting spirit. I had trouble dragging myself out of bed today, and decided that I needed a goal to spend some time outside: I went on a quest for hazelnut crunch gelato at one of my regular gelato haunts in the city. Every step walking towards the place felt like someone had punched me in the gut. Even the wild and energetic drummer at the street corner near the mall didn’t make me feel better today. I usually feel like he’s a co-conspirator and always get an energy boost when I hear him hammering away and yelling as I pass by.
The hazelnut crunch flavour typically only makes a guest appearance at this place. It’s often not available. Today it was, and I was very grateful. It was fantastic as always, and I walked away feeling deeply satisfied and significantly happier. Today is an uncharacteristically warm day, and eating gelato was exactly the right sort of activity to pursue.
I think I’m going to follow up the success of that excursion with some work on music, and hopefully I’ll start feeling a little more functional this evening. I know this will pass.
Argh, stupid ankle, heal! It’s just a sprain, it’ll take time and it’ll get better but argh! I cleaned my bathroom out today, and spent some more time on my feet after and now it’s telling me I need to be careful with the rest of the day’s activities. I’ve got a bit of walking to do today to meet an old friend, and I’m hoping I won’t be limping by the end of it. My back is also not happy from the sitting. While I’m optimistic that with steady effort I can work my way out of most of my structural issues, I hate sitting around all day.
I’m also really stressed out over finding a new job. If I don’t in a few weeks, I’ll have to leave the country. I go through waves of positivity and negativity, and my brain is trying to flat-line everything into apathy. All the extra time I now have is spent on job hunting, so there’s not much time for music. That makes everything worse…
The last bud on my first orchid plant that started blooming just opened this morning. I’ve been watching it for days, hoping it would open. The first bud on my second orchid opened yesterday. The flowers look incredibly beautiful, and it feels almost like a good omen. Sadly, my passionflower plant is merely sending up green shoots, but at the very least I have managed to keep it alive for several months now and it adds a different shade of green to my living room.
Woke up this morning to Garbage playing in my head. Cup of Coffee…
My brain is just starting to wake up from a rather strange funk earlier today. It’s a good feeling, I like having an awake brain. It was a relatively good day, too, so it was surprising.
To celebrate my wakening state, I made myself a drink that I recently created and love: hot soy milk, with saffron, pepper, and honey. I would have added ground cinnamon if I’d had any. Yum!
The next thing to tackle is my ankle; it still hasn’t healed and keeps flaring up as I use it. Swimming is my antidote to the sudden lack of exercise, and it’s working out really well for everything. Time for some ice and some soothing music. Simon and Garfunkel, or maybe some Holst or Warlock.
Suddenly this morning I recalled the following lyrics from “The Patient”, by Tool: “If there were no rewards to reap, / No loving embrace to see me through / This tedious path I’ve chosen here, / I certainly would’ve walked away by now.” Maybe it’s the weather; it’s chilly and rainy out here today. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve had my trust decimated by people I care about. Maybe it’s the fact that I feel like I’ve completely lost my bearings, and am wondering what the point is of being in this same place over and over again. Maybe it’s time to try something else, and try a completely new approach to living my life. Maybe it’ll help my luck get a little better. I don’t know how much more of this kind of stress I can take and I’ve been dealing with several key issues for a long time. And these issues never seem to change.
My back’s started acting up again; I’ve been sitting a lot and have been inactive over the past few weeks because of my ankle which has triggered my back injury. I’m tired of playing body and mind see saw. I’d like to be in a place that’s quiet and pretty, where I can walk barefoot on some grass and mud and be free of pain, even if it’s just for a few days.
Things are crashing around in my head as well. Have a lot to sort though. But, as always, music will allow me a constructive channel out of it.