I haven’t spent much time blogging in a while, and I felt an update was long overdue. One of the major crises in my life has been somewhat resolved–I got a new job and decided to stay here. For some time I wasn’t sure it was the best choice for me, but I’ve got a few fun things in the works that are making me feel like it’s the right choice, at least for now.
I’ve finished rough arrangements for four more songs after Porcelain Doll, and am currently working on the final song for the album. Once that’s done, I’ll start looking for a producer to help me improve and master the tracks. There may also be another video in a few months…stay tuned. 🙂
I was doodling on the piano earlier this evening, playing a piece I’d composed a few years ago. I play it nearly every time my fingers touch the keys these days; it’s like hanging out with a good friend with a complex personality. Even though the notes are comfortable and familiar and the melody extremely well-traveled, there’s always an opportunity to discover something fresh, fascinating and beautiful. An unexpected shift from a melody started in D minor, to F major. Some notes you didn’t think would fit that actually do. And while I was working out this analogy in my head as I played the notes, I began to think about the people that I love: my family and dear friends, who make me feel safe, happy, and welcome in their lives. And then I felt incredibly grateful, warm and fuzzy. Lucky, even, which was a welcome break from the angry brat I’ve been for a while now.
Argh, stupid ankle, heal! It’s just a sprain, it’ll take time and it’ll get better but argh! I cleaned my bathroom out today, and spent some more time on my feet after and now it’s telling me I need to be careful with the rest of the day’s activities. I’ve got a bit of walking to do today to meet an old friend, and I’m hoping I won’t be limping by the end of it. My back is also not happy from the sitting. While I’m optimistic that with steady effort I can work my way out of most of my structural issues, I hate sitting around all day.
I’m also really stressed out over finding a new job. If I don’t in a few weeks, I’ll have to leave the country. I go through waves of positivity and negativity, and my brain is trying to flat-line everything into apathy. All the extra time I now have is spent on job hunting, so there’s not much time for music. That makes everything worse…
Suddenly this morning I recalled the following lyrics from “The Patient”, by Tool: “If there were no rewards to reap, / No loving embrace to see me through / This tedious path I’ve chosen here, / I certainly would’ve walked away by now.” Maybe it’s the weather; it’s chilly and rainy out here today. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve had my trust decimated by people I care about. Maybe it’s the fact that I feel like I’ve completely lost my bearings, and am wondering what the point is of being in this same place over and over again. Maybe it’s time to try something else, and try a completely new approach to living my life. Maybe it’ll help my luck get a little better. I don’t know how much more of this kind of stress I can take and I’ve been dealing with several key issues for a long time. And these issues never seem to change.