I lost my voice on Friday. What started as feeling under the weather last weekend after a really fun, late night in the city became a dry persistent cough during the week that settled into a productive cough in my lungs and boom, Friday, I lost my voice. Watched the live remake of The Little Mermaid today, felt like I could relate. I have no idea what’s going on…no matter how sick I’ve been, I’ve at least been able to sing Macy Gray. I can’t even speak now, it hurts if I’m not hissing in a whisper. It’s so weird, I’m not even able to talk to myself out loud. I’m seeing my doctor soon, as she suspects it’s viral. WTF. Canceled all my plans this weekend, it’s been a battle not feeling sorry for myself.
Happy New Year!
What a year. As it ends, I’m grateful my 2+ year writer’s block is finally broken, and I’m writing and composing again. Haven’t finished anything yet, but I’m planning to be patient with myself. Happy New Year, and here’s to hoping 2024 is wonderful!
Inspiration
Slowly, after more than 2 years of dealing with a writer’s block, the ideas started flowing again this summer. It started out in spurts and stumbled, but eventually the constant soundtrack in my head came back. I’ve been trying to write it all down and start producing, but the process is rusty still. Slowly, gently, I continue to make progress. I didn’t notice I missed it when it was gone though it was unusual, but the joy and comfort I now feel when I can hear the music in my mind feels really great. I’m grateful for that.
Grateful for the Sad
The past couple of months have been a struggle for me, due to several events beyond my control. I’m truly grateful that I’ve landed in a pretty good place in June, but the sadness that overcame my life during large parts of April and May will not just disappear. I’m able to find relief through tons of activity that is close to where I was before the pandemic with friends and family who are willing to connect and spend time with me. The writer’s block is broken, and while I’m still relearning how to focus and write like I used to, I’m getting so many ideas again.
While I’m better and there so much joy and peace with the new things I’m trying out and the people I’m reconnecting with and others I’m meeting for the first time, during pockets of much needed solitude I’m left once again with my fears and my demons. I’ve lost something that I had before the pandemic: an ability to be at peace and happy when I’m alone. I got incredibly adept and comfortable with it during the pandemic and found a lot of peace, but now that I’ve tasted connection and community again, I feel fragile and sad when I’m alone.
I’ve realized over the past few weeks that I can’t bury or distract myself from the sadness in the long run. It feels unpleasant and heavy to sit with the ache and the pain, but I have to. Today’s practice is to be grateful for the sadness, because I get a lot out of it. I get some of my art, there’s passion that comes out of strong emotions, and growth if you allow it. There’s empathy for myself and other folks who are going through a tough time, and it’s a genuine reminder to hold memories of the good times close. It’s also a reminder to deeply enjoy the amazing things I do have, like a nice home, a job, good food and close family and friends. I have leisure.
So today, I am grateful for the sad and all the good and lessons that come with it.
Why So Serious?
After a rough couple of months, I finally had a couple of much needed breakthroughs. It brought me some relief and excitement, but instead of sustained peace and feelings of glory I’m plagued by fear and apprehension. I’m trying to understand why I don’t feel a little like I won? I’m hopeful I’m making good choices, but time can change everything, and circumstances seem to change in uncontrollable and unpredictable ways these days. We will know with time. Keeping my fingers crossed, and hope everyone is enjoying their weekend!
Where are we now?
My mind has started waking up again, though another COVID variant wave is passing through the world. And did the news this morning say something about monkey pox? Seriously, monkey pox? If there’s one thing I’m learning, some of these events are linked. As we invade the planet’s defenses, the planet is fighting back against us humans. I’m spending more time listening to scientists who say “I am angry, not depressed”. That gives me hope, because anger helps you take action. I have a tendency to get sad sometimes, like the end is inevitable. But maybe it’s not.
“Land of Dreamers” – new album just dropped!
“Land of Dreamers” – new album just dropped!
Grateful
It’s been a difficult fall, but November was lovely. Nothing materially changed; the pandemic continues, the world still feels strange and I only just managed to get an appointment for a now seemingly necessary booster as more variants were announced this weekend. It was simply the passage of time and a shifting frame of mind that allowed me to think through what I love to do, and who I love to spend time with. The past couple of weeks have been wonderful. I got to celebrate one of my close friends’ birthday, hang out with more close friends, attend a virtual wedding for someone who is an awesome person, and spend the long weekend with my brother who treats me like royalty. All I can say is, thank you to everyone who brought me joy this month. In September, I couldn’t even fathom what joy felt like. I just had to wait and breathe. For folks in the US, I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend! For everyone else, I hope you enjoyed it anyway. 🙂 Love you all!
Hope As The City Comes Back To Life
I walked to a restaurant to meet a friend for dinner today. On my way there I walked past a bar with laughing groups of folks interacting with each other. There was energizing and fun music playing. It reminded me of what we used to have before, and it felt so good to hear and see city sights again. As more and more people get vaccinated and it gets safer, I’m truly grateful and feeling optimistic about what’s to come.
Music Collab
Just sent a draft to a new artist I was introduced to. His song was great and didn’t really need anything, so I tried to keep my effects minimal. Waiting to see what he thinks; hope he likes the additions!
Today was a good day. With more and more news of people getting vaccinated I’m feeling more and more optimistic. Spring really feels great right now, and summer’s exciting possibilities are right around the corner.