Tag: love

Quiet Moments

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I haven’t spent much time blogging in a while, and I felt an update was long overdue. One of the major crises in my life has been somewhat resolved–I got a new job and decided to stay here. For some time I wasn’t sure it was the best choice for me, but I’ve got a few fun things in the works that are making me feel like it’s the right choice, at least for now.

I’ve finished rough arrangements for four more songs after Porcelain Doll, and am currently working on the final song for the album. Once that’s done, I’ll start looking for a producer to help me improve and master the tracks. There may also be another video in a few months…stay tuned. 🙂

I was doodling on the piano earlier this evening, playing a piece I’d composed a few years ago. I play it nearly every time my fingers touch the keys these days; it’s like hanging out with a good friend with a complex personality. Even though the notes are comfortable and familiar and the melody extremely well-traveled, there’s always an opportunity to discover something fresh, fascinating and beautiful. An unexpected shift from a melody started in D minor, to F major. Some notes you didn’t think would fit that actually do. And while I was working out this analogy in my head as I played the notes, I began to think about the people that I love: my family and dear friends, who make me feel safe, happy, and welcome in their lives. And then I felt incredibly grateful, warm and fuzzy. Lucky, even, which was a welcome break from the angry brat I’ve been for a while now.

Ah, She Drowns, She Drowns!

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I went swimming today, and it felt great. Over the past few weeks it’s become a regular activity, which is doing me a world of good. I feel like I can work out all my issues in the pool, and the water just holds me up gently.

Today has brought me back to Lana Del Rey’s Video Games, which sucks. As long as I keep it playing in my head in bits and not out loud on Itunes I should be ok. It’s really sad to see the end of a relationship, and to watch people pull away from each other even as they don’t want to. Our lives have become pretty complex, and people have built up a lot of protective layers to guard themselves. People are really afraid to be vulnerable. I was prone to putting up walls when I was younger, and I grew up being shy and having a small circle of friends. But as I grew older, I realized how important it was to allow people in, as you gain so much from it.

When I was young, it felt like I had some control or power because I held back parts of myself. Part of it comes from being an introvert, which I cannot (and don’t want to) change about myself and am perfectly comfortable with. But the rest of it points to having deep seated insecurities. I was lucky, I grew up in South East Asia on a bunch of islands. People there are really mellow, and really open, friendly and caring. I learned a lot because of it. I also grew up around a lot of people from different cultures who moved around a lot, so you have to get good at getting to know people quickly and opening up to them because otherwise you’ll miss out on really great people and always feel lost in the sea of constant change.

Which brings me to my current state. I really let go this time, and I’m glad I did. Even though I’m feeling overwhelmed right now as I’m trying to keep up with the job hunt. I sincerely hope I’ll feel safe enough to do it again someday.

The one very constructive thing that’s come out of the dips in my mood is an artistic period; I’m coming up with a pretty decent number of song ideas and really wish I could spend more time working on them and recording the ones for the short album I want to finish. This would be the perfect time to get in a studio.

Cards

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So, the world’s dealt a few more cards and I wonder how these will affect the turn of events over the next few months and years. Sometimes I wonder how much scope there is for free will in life, and whether we even have a choice or any influence over what happens in our lives.

A lot of biologists stop believing in free will after they start working in the life sciences, as choices could merely be interpreted as your genetic make up interacting with your environment, and the rest is up to stochasticity. A few religions, such as Hinduism, eliminate the concept of choice as well by invoking ideas like Fate, or God. Is choice merely an illusory concept that we humans came up with in order to prevent ourselves from having a collective nervous breakdown?

Or does choice really exist, and if it does, what is its basis? How do we choose what we choose? How do you settle on the best decision, or is that simply something we look back on after a series of resulting events have passed and rationalize? What is regret?

With modern lives that throw opportunities and changes our way constantly, the concept of straightforward and obvious choices may have been eliminated completely. What is the most important thing for a person? Does it vary from person to person? Or do we have one common priority in life as a species?

If I had to pick my strongest drivers, I think I would settle on the following three in no particular order: happiness, music, and the people that I love. And I think I can narrow it down further–with music and the people that I love around me, I think I could be happy. Is happiness a choice that we make in our heads?

Horticulture

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There’s a grubby little plant sitting prominently in front of the main window in my living room. It introduced insects into my house, shed dirt everywhere as I unwrapped it, and caused the largest number of changes to my morning routine as it requires being watered daily and a lot of sunshine. It’s a needy, high maintenance attention whore, unlike my mellow and gorgeous orchids. I can never run out of the house and ignore my living room anymore. But I still find it endearing. And it forces me to raise my blinds and bring in sunshine into my place every day.

I spoke to a good friend of mine who knows a lot about plants a couple of months ago, and she said even the orchids need sun. I almost felt a little guilty, as I’d been taking my generous plants for granted. So maybe the new plant is doing my beloved orchids some good as well.

A few days ago, I noticed some new shoots on all three of my plants. The orchids are going to bloom for sure. The strange new plant may die despite my efforts, but for now I’m hoping the sprouting growth on it will eventually become beautiful flowers someday.