Tag: pain

Hello, Insomnia…

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Not the first time I’ve found myself lying awake in bed unable to sleep recently, frustrated beyond measure partly at the negatives in my life, but mostly at not being able to unwind enough to get the sleep and rest I desperately need. This the first period in my life I’ve ever struggled with sleep like this. I’m a light sleeper so noises and lights will wake me up easily, and I need the temperature to be right as well, but I’m usually so tired that I can fall asleep really quickly.

My sense of humor still prevails (which I’m so thankful for!), but I’m still angry at people who continue to cause pain in my immediate life. I picked up Fred Luskin’s book, Forgive For Good, a few years ago. It’s a great book that provides practical, actionable tips on forgiveness as a practice. But, like good communication, forgiveness has to start with a commitment to let things go. 🙂 I’m not ready yet.

I want life to assert balance right now. I want Takers to suffer, and I want karma to slap wrongdoers upside the head. Today, I’m not in the mood for acceptance though that worked really well last week, haha. 🙂 Today, I want to see karma in action against those who crush folks below them without compassion. Today, I want to see people pay for the pain they have caused, both involuntarily and on purpose. Entitled, spoiled, bratty privileged people hurt because of their ignorance and callous lack of awareness, as much as they hurt to preserve their place on the totem pole. I want them to look at reality and understand it, develop a real knowledge and awareness of it. One way to do that is reactions that are equal to their actions. Did you lie to gain your wealth? I want you to lose it all and then some to make sure the point is made. Did you bully, hurt and steal ideas from people to get up the corporate ladder? I want you stuck in limbo for the rest of your life experiencing pain as a direct cause, and I want to see you learn and grow from that pain and realization.

I’ve watched amazing friends and family members suffer a lot unfairly in life. And I’ve watched terrible people make it and achieve their dreams. I’m a proactive, type A person, so part of my anger stems from the fact that I can’t teach anyone to do the “right” thing. I can’t change anyone, their evolution can only be driven by them. The best I can do is pay it forward. I’m lucky for what I have right now, maybe focus my energy on people who have less? I can try and help when I can’t right the wrongs in this world by getting angry. Acceptance and forgiveness are the best route to peace right now when so many things are out of my control.

Life is unfair. There’s no getting around it. But what about balance? Is that something I can hope for? What about accountability and consequences for bad actors?

Hello, calm. Writing helps me process emotions really well, so this was great. I’m yawning, so hopeful I’ll fall asleep as soon as I go back to bed. 🙂

Take care, peeps, hope you are all well. I’m rooting for you.

Trials and Tribulations

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I sprained my back pretty badly a few weeks ago. Practicing singing standing up or even sitting has been really difficult over the past couple of weeks, except when I’m taking pain relievers. I’m deeply grateful I’m working with a music producer like Max. I told him I was in a lot of pain last week and that I was really worried about the fast approaching vocal recording sessions. He winced out of empathy but his steady response was, “we’ll make it work, even if we have to record one song a day we’ll figure it out. And at the end of it, it’ll just be a good story.” I was terrified it was a disc related injury but my physiotherapist diagnosed it as a sprain on Monday, and expects it to heal fully in a few weeks. What a relief. I’m already feeling better this week compared to last week, and hope next week is even better. One major upside to all this was discovering that I actually sound better on a couple of the tracks lying down. Definitely trying that during the recording sessions.

All Kinds of Pain

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My back’s started acting up again; I’ve been sitting a lot and have been inactive over the past few weeks because of my ankle which has triggered my back injury. I’m tired of playing body and mind see saw. I’d like to be in a place that’s quiet and pretty, where I can walk barefoot on some grass and mud and be free of pain, even if it’s just for a few days.

Things are crashing around in my head as well. Have a lot to sort though. But, as always, music will allow me a constructive channel out of it.

Past the Witching Hour

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Was just listening to Scarborough Fair/Canticle on loop while icing my ankle, and feeling strangely content and optimistic. Also feeling lucky that I have the support of people I love, and lucky that I have music to throw any angst into and turn it into something constructive. I sang myself hoarse practicing Bridge Over Troubled Water for my friends’ upcoming wedding just before I decided it was time use external methods to dull my pain. Singing and the ice both felt really good.

I need to keep reminding myself to take it easy over the next few days…I want to be able to dance at the wedding next weekend!

Silly Musings

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I hurt my ankle a few days ago, but instead of resting it I kept trying to walk it off or work it out. Bad idea. I finally came to my senses on Saturday and gave my self hours of rest and was feeling loads better, and feeling like I would get over it in the next couple of days. But I went to a club to hear a friend DJ Saturday night, and of course I can’t sit still and just listen when there’s good dance music playing. Somewhere in my brain there’s an adult, and that adult tripped a wire at some point and told me to just sit and take it easy after a while. I’m glad I listened, but I’m still a lot worse today, and looking at a potentially longer recovery time now.

I feel like I’ve been playing body see saw over the past couple of years over various things, and I’m hoping there’s a solid permanent solution to it. Haven’t found one that sticks yet, but I’m optimistic. 🙂