A friend of mine uses an Urdu/Hindi word that roughly translates to “episode,” usually used in the context of a medical condition, like a seizure, to describe what happens to our relationship with our families from time to time. My family and I went through such an episode today. I’ve finally hit a state of relative calm and happiness after several rather difficult months, and they’ve decided that this is the perfect time to start pressuring me over getting married…Again.
It’s been a long battle spanning several years. My parents started on this subject when I was very young, soon after I graduated from college. It’s a very difficult question on both sides, and we always hit an impasse. I hurt my parents by saying I’m not interested in getting married right now, getting married is not a priority in my life, and particularly not to someone they introduce me to simply because that person is a descendant of a lineage with the same ethnic and religious background as mine. I refuse to restrict my dating pool to my ethnic group. It’s just not how I was made to be.
As far as they’re concerned, I’m betraying them, their expectations, our culture, and really hurting them by a) not wanting to get married right now and b) by refusing to restrict my dating pool based on ethnicity and religion.
They’re terrified I’m going to regret my choices, and wake up one day and realize that my choices were all mistakes. My greatest fear is that I’ll give in to something that is fundamentally wrong for me because of the pressure and then wake up one day to realize that I hate my life because I didn’t fight for my own choices. At least if things go wrong in my life now, I’ll only have myself to blame.
The most constructive effect this has had is to jolt me into being productive. Yay, angst can be turned into something positive.
I realize I’m almost 4 years late on this post, but I totally relate to this. Just when I think my parents have accepted that I’m not interested in an arranged marriage they say something like “Could you just give this guy a chance??” And it makes no difference to them that he lives across the country and believes in a religion that I’ve told them I don’t believe in. So frustrating.
Thanks for the note, Sandra! 🙂 If you know your parents (deep down) really do love you and care about you, there’s hope. I’ve had friends with parents who would never understand who they were and chose their ego over their child’s happiness, and that is deeply unfortunate for both sides. I’m grateful my parents still love me years later (still unmarried, haha) despite all the fights. Things are much calmer now, and I’m a lot happier for it. Best of luck on your end. If you do intend to be married someday, I hope you choose someone you love who is right for you and will support and love you, always.
Such kind words from a complete stranger ! 🙂 Yes, even now I can see that my parents are slooowly getting better and I think they can be more open minded than some parents, it just takes them awhile to work through it.