Category: Uncategorized

Connection

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I caught up with some close family members today in person. We were socially distanced and wearing masks to be safe, but just the act of getting together in person felt incredible. It was a reminder that “socially distanced” does not mean emotional isolation, and doesn’t even mean absolute physical separation if you follow regulations and safety precautions such as wearing masks and keeping your distance. There was a lot of hand sanitizer used as well. 🙂

This is the new normal. There won’t be a “going back to the way things were” for a long time, if ever. While it does make me sad because I loved the life I had, the key thing moving forward is to make sure that we continue to find ways to be human and connect with each other. I realized last week that I was trying to just wait it out until we get to the other side, but I’m not sure that reality exists.

The past few months have been difficult and draining for me and a lot of other people. There are a few folks like my brother who are perfectly fine, though he has his puppy for company. For more social folks like myself who rely on communities and gatherings and seeing people face to face (which I absolutely love), it’s been a real challenge. I’ve missed my family and friends, I’ve missed the random connections with strangers in the city, I’ve missed the shows, the music, the art, the culture.

I’m not sure what the future will look like right now, but I need to figure out how I can define my own sense of connection in it. If I can think of it as an interesting new problem to solve, or pretend like I’m an astronaut or a space explorer, I might be able to make it something fun instead of something that’s cause for despair.

Only time will tell.

Creative juices flowing

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I finished writing a song last week, and after a long time today just sat down to write a brand new song out of nowhere.

This wasn’t planned for the album, but this song had words to say. I think it’s been years since I last did this (“Impossible” may have been the last song where this happened??), but I finished this new song in one sitting and it literally just wrote itself.

Sudden, unexpected tears pouring down my face with the emotional release, and I’m really grateful. It feels cathartic, and peaceful, and the words poured out from a place that’s raw and real.

May peace be with you all this weekend! Love and hugs. 🙂

Peace, finally :)

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It’s the end of the week, and a lot of my projects are starting to come to a close. I also found some closure this week, and was at peace today after a long time.

This weekend will be as fun as the new normal can be, with virtual and socially distanced gatherings with loved ones. I’m excited for it, and finally found some energy again.

Carry A Hot Stone That Burns

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Still working through grief, hurt, sadness, anger, and perhaps even a touch of rage. I think it’s tied to feeling like I’m tapped out on what I can change feeling stationary. I only leave my home to go grocery shopping or occasionally to a restaurant to get some food. I’m not sure I remember how to walk properly anymore, though I can definitely still dance, do yoga and barre workouts. 🙂 I’m grateful for these.

Still angry at some people who have hurt me in the past, who have hurt me more recently. It’s remarkable how cruel and heinous people can be when they’re bullying, toxic and abusive, sometimes even racist and sexist, but are shocked when you protest against their behavior or call them out on it. I don’t understand how you can lack self awareness and compassion at such a fundamental level. I also am not strong enough to bear the burden of communication, because I’ve de-escalated many times in the past. I’m just too tired to do it anymore.

Grateful for the Good Days

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Joe Biden just announced that Kamala Harris is his VP pick. I haven’t felt this much joy in weeks if not months. I’m so grateful for today.

I’ve learned to celebrate every moment I can find that gives me a reprieve from feeling worn down during the pandemic. It’s a skill to work on especially as this is now a longer term prospect that may stretch into next year.

I also finished writing the lyrics for a new song Sunday night…excited to start working on the production for it this week!

Another Monday :)

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Mondays are my least favorite day of the week, and I dread them. Dealing with it is just a matter of setting up tasks to get done and break it into small pieces and just check things off so the emotions don’t get debilitating, the resistance doesn’t kick in. I already can’t wait for the week to be over…

Another Week Gained

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I’m so glad this week is over the hump. I can’t wait for the end of the day on Friday. Keeping my fingers crossed today is just work, where I can focus on tasks calmly and have energizing interactions. Wish me luck. 🙂

After the Funeral

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“It’s the end of an era,” said Appa (my father) and my aunt separately when I reached out to them after my grandmother’s funeral. It truly feels that way. Today’s funeral was a really elegant and lovely ceremony with heartfelt speeches from my uncles and my aunt in Toronto. My grandparents moved there when I was a little girl because the largest cluster of their children was there. Growing up, they would split their time between my nuclear family, and our family in Canada. Her funeral was attended by people in Canada who were local, and attended virtually by people living across the US, India, and as far away as Australia.

I got to know them both well as a result. I’ve always admired my grandmother’s strong spirit and intelligence, her wit and her charm. It felt desolate and strange to see her shrunken body in the casket during the virtually streamed ceremony without her liveliness, warmth and personality. Hard to imagine they were the same person.

The funeral rites ended as they moved her to the crematorium. And then she was gone. We were left with our memories, tears, sense of loss and regrets. I can feel her spirit, and I know her love is always there for me to remember. But every time I think about it, I choke up and start crying.

I’m truly grateful that I have close family and friends to count on and reach out to right now. I’m really lucky that I have so many good, kind, loving and generous people in my life.

Here’s to the end of the journey of a remarkable woman, who had a very difficult life but persevered with a deep love of life and an amazing sense of humor. I never saw a trace of bitterness for any of the pain she had suffered, and I’m truly inspired by her strength.

When a loved one passes…

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My grandmother on my father’s side passed away today. She was 92 years old when she died, and her death was peaceful and calm and she was in no pain. She’s – she was – a complex person with tons of facets and sides, incredibly strong willed and sharp witted. She lived through so many difficult and defining events in India including WW II, Partition, the Bengal Famine, Indian Independence.

My father just sent an obituary of sorts to my mother’s side of the family and it was beautiful. The family is coming together to help and support each other get through this. I’m really grateful for that, but I really wish this year would let up for a bit, you know?

I cried for what felt like hours this evening and I’m glad I finally stopped because I had a pounding headache after I was done. I sang some of my grandmother’s favorite traditional Carnatic Classical songs in my repertoire until my voice gave out after. My cousin called late in the evening, and we were reminiscing about our grandparents and going through a treasure trove of stories. It really helped.

I’ve now lost another person I was close to, who loved me unconditionally. The world feels a lot more cold, harsh and lonely now. I feel like there aren’t a lot of people in a person’s life who can give that much unconditional love. I wish I’d appreciated and understood that better while she was still with us.

Rest in peace, Patti. We love you.

Hate, Pain, Sadness. Eventually, just a numb headache.

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Today started out with hate, anger, and helpless tears. Yesterday a wonderful thing happened, where a contact at a client company felt like the team was asking a lot of me, and sent me a Starbucks gift card for $10. I felt like I’d won the lottery. My quarterly bonus doesn’t give me a dopamine rush, but an act of simple and genuine kindness and appreciation from someone felt like the best thing ever.

The feeling wore off by this morning, and I started to feel trapped in my life again. I wish I could feel hope. I made a lot of progress today, but nothing. I know I provide a lot of value to the folks I work with and I’ve got numbers and dollar amounts to back up how much work I’ve done for the company. Nothing. For all the work I’ve done, the company gave me an increase in my company stock option amount, and reading the paperwork made me tear up and get angry all over again. The language and the terms feel a slap in the face. It’s so weird when people give you things that you’re not entitled to (I know I’m not entitled to anything in this world), and you still feel like you lost. Where’s the disconnect? We get shopping benefits, and I’ve been giving everything away, hundreds of dollars worth of stuff to friends, because I don’t care. I feel nothing.

I’m hoarding the Starbucks gift card, though, like it’s a treasure. I’ve been going through the menu for the past couple of days trying to figure out what I’m going to get. I haven’t been to a Starbucks in months, and I’m not even sure there are any that are open in my neighborhood during the shutdown.

One ray of light in an increasingly dark mind. I am starting to get to the point where I can only remember how I’ve been hurt by people, and am starting to cut people out one by one. But I got a call from my cousin today, letting me know that my 92 year old grandmother is in a sleep state, and in really bad shape. She’s not in pain, but she’s not going to be around for much longer if her health continues to deteriorate. I’d planned to visit her in May before the quarantine started, but the pandemic ended that plan. The news of her health brought home the fact that time is really short. Cutting people you love out because your mind is becoming increasingly more vulnerable to darkness is costly, and there’s no time for that.

Trying to decide if the “life is too short” lens applies to quitting my job. Is it time to just throw everything out the window and just fly out to freedom? Life is too short to be so miserable. But what is my backup plan going to be? My body is starting to run out of the capacity to house so much hate, anger, and misery. I’m becoming increasingly more numb. Don’t know how to fix it, and I’m throwing everything I can at it.