Where do I begin. A couple of days ago I realized that I honestly didn’t know how I felt. Today I feel calm, like I went for a nice long swim but without the contentment and the happiness afterwards. Maybe you could call that numb. I’m grateful for the peace and quiet in my mind, don’t get me wrong. But a part of me wishes I could feel other things as well.
I’m just waiting for the inauguration for now. It was a shock to me that despite Joe Biden’s decisive win, certification, we still ended up at the brink of a civil war with violence and riots in the lead up. Pictures of the capitol with all the troops camping on site to protect American democracy against its own citizens made me deeply sad. I never thought I would witness a day like this.
I’m an immigrant. I chose to move to the US as a 17 year old for college. A huge part of me has recently been asking myself the question, did I pick the wrong country? Canada is right next door, and things look so much better there. What happened with the insurrection in the US is unthinkable in other industrialized countries. Unthinkable. And the divide between the rich and the poor continues to grow.
I’m glad I have a long weekend. I’m hoping I find enough emotion to finish the next single I’m working on. I love it every time I pull it up on Logic to work on it, but I give up after a few cycles of listening and harmonizing to the lead melody. Keeping my fingers crossed the extra time with give me the push I need. 🙂 I cooked a lot of lovely food last night and today, and it made me feel more at ease. Paying attention to my health is one way that I center myself, and food is an important part of that.
Hope everyone is staying safe and well and taking care of themselves.
Just finished writing a new song and it’s ready to be released on Soundcloud tomorrow! Super happy about the release. But I’m not going to lie, it’s been a weird and tough week. Not because of what was going on outside, but because I wasn’t feeling it on the inside. I learned today that my feeling of loss at the end of a creative project is quite common for artists.
It makes sense, especially given how much I love the process of creating. Each song has a part of my soul in it, and when it’s done there is a process of mourning and letting go.
It’s been a weird few weeks. Anyone in the US following the news cycle can attest to that. In California, the fires are still raging though I think we should get some relief as the weather cools down and we get some rain. Keeping my fingers crossed and my thoughts with the folks close to the fires.
The news on the national front is getting more strange as well, I really don’t know what to expect from this year anymore.
As my brain continues to unravel with the Fall season, I gave myself another haircut this past weekend. It was oddly exhilarating and liberating. I’ve been fixing it over the past few days, and it felt pretty artistic as a process. I think it also made me feel like I was in control of something. I think that’s part of the reason why I still dress up for work like I’m going to present in person in front of executives at client companies nearly every day, just to feel like something matters as far as work is concerned.
I’ve also started working on a new song this past week! I’m having a lot of fun with this one and it’s quite different from Peekaboo. I won’t lie, I’m scrambling for things to feel like I have a reason to wake up in the morning these days. This week sometimes it’s been episodes of the Great British Bake Show, which is so much fun. Working on the new song also helps. Mostly, I just miss my family and close friends and city life. I hope we find new ways to enjoy the same connections we used to before this pandemic.
Hoping to find some peace and calm this week as it winds down. Happy Wednesday!
As the world gets more strange, I’m happy with some of the familiar. Released Peekaboo! on Spotify and it went live today. I’m so happy I finished the song. It makes me happy every time I listen to it. Hope you’ve all found something that makes you a little happier today.
The wildfires tinted the sky yellow on Monday, and I was inspired to wear this dress to start the week off right.
I actually had a wonderful Monday, which was a nice break. Then on Tuesday I found out I probably got scammed via Instagram to become a brand ambassador, ended up running into a major issue and working 16+ hours trying to solve it, still haven’t fixed it and today was another long day at work. I feel worn out, but at the point where everything is just sad and absurd. 🙂 So I’m still able to laugh, which I’m grateful for.
I’m weirdly calm, because of a complete loss of hope, I think, lol. I read an article reviewing a book written by a Buddhist monk, or maybe it was an interview? The main gist I walked away with was: in order to truly find solutions and achieve peace, you need to stop hoping for something better.
This is reality, peeps. This is what we’ve got. So what do we do with it? I’m grateful tomorrow’s Thursday. I tried to take vacation tomorrow and Friday, but I’m swamped and will probably end up working through some of my PTO. Really hope I finish the week launching these, because I really like our partners/clients. They take a lot of pride in what they do, and I want to make sure we really give them the value they’re looking for. It’s how businesses grow.
Will find out on Friday, I guess. Is it weird that I’m looking forward to my dentist’s appointment tomorrow? I really like their office and the people who work there. 🙂
My grandmother on my father’s side passed away today. She was 92 years old when she died, and her death was peaceful and calm and she was in no pain. She’s – she was – a complex person with tons of facets and sides, incredibly strong willed and sharp witted. She lived through so many difficult and defining events in India including WW II, Partition, the Bengal Famine, Indian Independence.
My father just sent an obituary of sorts to my mother’s side of the family and it was beautiful. The family is coming together to help and support each other get through this. I’m really grateful for that, but I really wish this year would let up for a bit, you know?
I cried for what felt like hours this evening and I’m glad I finally stopped because I had a pounding headache after I was done. I sang some of my grandmother’s favorite traditional Carnatic Classical songs in my repertoire until my voice gave out after. My cousin called late in the evening, and we were reminiscing about our grandparents and going through a treasure trove of stories. It really helped.
I’ve now lost another person I was close to, who loved me unconditionally. The world feels a lot more cold, harsh and lonely now. I feel like there aren’t a lot of people in a person’s life who can give that much unconditional love. I wish I’d appreciated and understood that better while she was still with us.
I had a wonderful, lovely quick chat with my father this morning. He and I had had a big argument a few days prior, and I hadn’t talked to him since though I’d called my mom. It took a lot to pick up the phone to try again. My parents were in the middle of a movie, so the call was brief, but there was so much love and affection and happiness in his voice. He was really glad I’d called.
After I jumped off the call, I enjoyed my peace for a few seconds before going down the negative thought spirals that so often consume my waking days now. Anger at the system, anger at the bad leaders I’ve been exposed to at the international and smaller level at my company. Anger at the sexism and racism that I and so many of my friends have faced. Anger at the lack of repercussions and accountability at the very top where it matters the most. The burdens of some of the biggest problems are always borne by the people who can least afford to bear it.
To break the cycle, I brought myself back to my dad’s voice over the phone. It made me smile. Time for a list of things I’m grateful for:
My family’s love, despite past disagreements. Right now, I choose to focus on our togetherness and unfailing love.
I just finished a delicious cup of hot cocoa I’d made with spices that I really enjoyed. 🙂
It’s a soft, foggy, humid, contemplative day in San Francisco. While I love sunny days, these types of days bring me peace because it slows my pace of thinking down if I allow it to sink in. If I allow myself to be present in the now.
I’ve been getting tons of rest during the night this weekend. All the emotions, frustration, feeling trapped, anger, sadness and disappointment have been taking a toll on my sleep, so I’m really grateful that I’ve been able to get several nights of wonderful, rejuvenating sleep. It was much needed.
I had an awesome Saturday. I was happy most of the day yesterday even though I mostly just ran errands and worked out and sang as usual. I got to hang out virtually with my brother and we watched a movie together on Netflix and then chatted about it on Skype.
I’m grateful that technology still allows me to be close to people who are far away, who I really miss.
I’m catching up with other close friends today.
Happy Sunday! I hope you find things that bring you peace and joy today!