Tag: song

Heat, Pressure, Release

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I did yoga this afternoon at home, thinking it was in the 80s outside because that’s what the forecast said yesterday. I felt like I need to center my mind to make it feel like a Sunday and just stretch my tense muscles out. Turns out it was about 100 F. No wonder I felt like I’d done a hot yoga class instead.

Last week was a lot in all kinds of ways, but I was able to find a way to assert my boundaries and enjoy what I got out of it. I wrote a polite and constructive but firm email stating that work was starting to feel insane to my boss and the CEO of the company on Tuesday. This lead to a good meeting with them and me then creating a spreadsheet with all my major tasks last week (I really took it to the next level of detail, down to calculating an estimate of how many hours I’d spent on emails). Turns out I’d spent 71 hours working last week, and that’s not counting random calls, chats and requests from clients and colleagues, or reading about the industry and our clients. I’m really hoping this leads to better conversations where the executive team actually takes us seriously when we say we’re overwhelmed and don’t have time for any additional low priority ad hoc requests. I hope it leads to thoughtful discussions around where we can improve how we spend our time so our work feels more meaningful and we have the time to actually have a life outside of our jobs. We are not robots, Silicon Valley. This should be particularly obvious with a pandemic raging, climate change turning weather insane, and just the world being in a state of chaos.

Calmly taking charge of expressing myself was a boon. It released a lot of the angst and tension I’d been feeling, and was a gift for that reason. Every source of frustration is also an opportunity to set your boundaries, express your needs, give the other person the chance to help you or meet you half way, and negotiate. All good things, without getting destructive either with your thoughts or in terms of the way you express anger or frustration. Good for me to remember and try to practice when I can.

Another step towards growth last week for me was trying to re-frame things not working out as opportunities for something else. 🙂 This is a fun one, and I’m usually pretty good at it but there’s been too much external pressure and breakage lately for me to manage right away. This has taken a toll on some of my abilities and strategies to stay resilient, and I’ve had to just sit with the negative emotions and accept them. They are also important, and life has ups and downs.

Some friends of mine wanted to catch up yesterday at a restaurant, for example, but bailed as the conditions were bad in the city and they changed their plans. I was definitely sad I wouldn’t see them at first, but also got to cook a delicious dinner with fresh ingredients, finish my errands without rushing, and work on music in the evening. I actually loved having that time to myself after a crazy week at work. We had planned to catch up again today, but the air quality is terrible in the city. We’re doing a video chat instead, and I’m really grateful this is an option with modern technology. I can’t imagine what this kind of a pandemic would have been like 30 years ago without Zoom/Skype/Google. A second example, today, it was really hot, but I got to do a hot yoga class at home without paying for the studio time nor having to deal with bad feet smells. 🙂

Happy Wednesday :)

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I had a genuinely good day yesterday, and was happy. 🙂 Some of my work projects are winding down, I gave pointed, critical feedback to executives at work about some major work overload issues that were affecting the entire company. My feedback was (at least on the surface) received well, which was a good feeling.

I was also able to provide all the information needed for a new contact at a new branch we’re launching during a call, and could really see how much my knowledge about our product has grown. It was a really good feeling to be able to help them out with every question they had during the call without having to say, “let me get back to you on that one.”

Spent some time relaxing, singing and working on a new song after what felt like ages. Hoping for a peaceful end to the week, and so excited about the 3 day weekend!

Take care, peeps. I hope you are all staying safe and well!

Gratitude…

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I went to get cavities refurbished at my dentist’s today. My dentist and the staff at their office are amazing. It was truly the highlight of my day, and I felt completely relaxed afterward. Weird way to start my two days off, but I was really grateful for the change and their kindness. It was a reminder of how many risks essential workers brave to provide services like health, food, and dental care, and I’m truly thankful for their bravery.

Work is still insane and I’m sad to say I’m working during my days off, but somehow my sense of calm has persisted despite a rushed morning. I’m also really grateful that I got a solid night’s sleep last night, and the air was clean when I walked over to my dental appointment. Small things. 🙂

I’m hoping to get to work on a new song that I finished writing a couple of weeks ago and wrap it up over the next couple of weeks! It’s been some time since I’ve released a new song, so I’m excited to finish it. It’s an interesting one, so requires a different way of thinking. I’m looking forward to pushing myself. 🙂

10K+ Monthly Listeners on Spotify!

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Today started off with some really good news: I’ve crossed 10K monthly listeners on Spotify! Was so excited to see that this morning!

A bright spot for me in a tough couple of weeks out here with the massive fires in California. San Francisco and other parts of the Bay Area have been covered in smoke for a couple of weeks now, and it’s been hard to breathe or think. Some of us have been feeling really ill from inhaling all the pollution.

Strange times, these. I’m grateful for a break from worrying about the future, not just my own for the next several decades of my life, but the legacy we leave behind for future generations as climate change, environmental damage and social inequities continue be problems for the world.

More to follow on that as the fires continue to rage…

Back to the Future

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Starting to think about the future amid the horrible wildfires, pandemic, social unrest and feeling like I’m not growing or moving in the right direction at any level this morning. To combat this feeling, I put myself together like I was presenting in front of a client today. I’m wearing one of my favorite business casual dresses, I put makeup and earrings on and did my hair. Helped for a bit.

Then I reached out to one of my best friends to ask her how she was doing. I was honest when she asked me the same question and said I was feeling sad about my future. She then reminded me that, “everyone’s future is blurry right now.” And she’s 100% right. Sadly, yet also comfortingly, I’m not in this alone. The world is reeling from these tectonic shifts and I’m along for the ride just like everybody else.

The smoke made it hard to breathe today, even with the doors shut and my air purifier cranked up to its highest setting. But finally, the air is starting to clear, the acrid smoke smell still lingers, but it’s starting to fade.

I came up with another company idea today, something I haven’t done in a while. One of the best things about being stuck in isolation with my brain is I’m letting it play more and more, and it’s an amazing feeling. I lean into every crazy idea like I used to when I was younger, and explore it until it dies a natural death or becomes an enduring learning experience.

Some ideas are songs, some become cover art for new singles. Some become a new mission, or an old drive solidified. It’s good to know my mind is still awake, learning and open, even with the smoke and lack of oxygen.

Connection

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I caught up with some close family members today in person. We were socially distanced and wearing masks to be safe, but just the act of getting together in person felt incredible. It was a reminder that “socially distanced” does not mean emotional isolation, and doesn’t even mean absolute physical separation if you follow regulations and safety precautions such as wearing masks and keeping your distance. There was a lot of hand sanitizer used as well. 🙂

This is the new normal. There won’t be a “going back to the way things were” for a long time, if ever. While it does make me sad because I loved the life I had, the key thing moving forward is to make sure that we continue to find ways to be human and connect with each other. I realized last week that I was trying to just wait it out until we get to the other side, but I’m not sure that reality exists.

The past few months have been difficult and draining for me and a lot of other people. There are a few folks like my brother who are perfectly fine, though he has his puppy for company. For more social folks like myself who rely on communities and gatherings and seeing people face to face (which I absolutely love), it’s been a real challenge. I’ve missed my family and friends, I’ve missed the random connections with strangers in the city, I’ve missed the shows, the music, the art, the culture.

I’m not sure what the future will look like right now, but I need to figure out how I can define my own sense of connection in it. If I can think of it as an interesting new problem to solve, or pretend like I’m an astronaut or a space explorer, I might be able to make it something fun instead of something that’s cause for despair.

Only time will tell.

Creative juices flowing

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I finished writing a song last week, and after a long time today just sat down to write a brand new song out of nowhere.

This wasn’t planned for the album, but this song had words to say. I think it’s been years since I last did this (“Impossible” may have been the last song where this happened??), but I finished this new song in one sitting and it literally just wrote itself.

Sudden, unexpected tears pouring down my face with the emotional release, and I’m really grateful. It feels cathartic, and peaceful, and the words poured out from a place that’s raw and real.

May peace be with you all this weekend! Love and hugs. 🙂

Peace, finally :)

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It’s the end of the week, and a lot of my projects are starting to come to a close. I also found some closure this week, and was at peace today after a long time.

This weekend will be as fun as the new normal can be, with virtual and socially distanced gatherings with loved ones. I’m excited for it, and finally found some energy again.

Carry A Hot Stone That Burns

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Still working through grief, hurt, sadness, anger, and perhaps even a touch of rage. I think it’s tied to feeling like I’m tapped out on what I can change feeling stationary. I only leave my home to go grocery shopping or occasionally to a restaurant to get some food. I’m not sure I remember how to walk properly anymore, though I can definitely still dance, do yoga and barre workouts. 🙂 I’m grateful for these.

Still angry at some people who have hurt me in the past, who have hurt me more recently. It’s remarkable how cruel and heinous people can be when they’re bullying, toxic and abusive, sometimes even racist and sexist, but are shocked when you protest against their behavior or call them out on it. I don’t understand how you can lack self awareness and compassion at such a fundamental level. I also am not strong enough to bear the burden of communication, because I’ve de-escalated many times in the past. I’m just too tired to do it anymore.

Grateful for the Good Days

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Joe Biden just announced that Kamala Harris is his VP pick. I haven’t felt this much joy in weeks if not months. I’m so grateful for today.

I’ve learned to celebrate every moment I can find that gives me a reprieve from feeling worn down during the pandemic. It’s a skill to work on especially as this is now a longer term prospect that may stretch into next year.

I also finished writing the lyrics for a new song Sunday night…excited to start working on the production for it this week!