How Do I Feel Today?

Where do I begin. A couple of days ago I realized that I honestly didn’t know how I felt. Today I feel calm, like I went for a nice long swim but without the contentment and the happiness afterwards. Maybe you could call that numb. I’m grateful for the peace and quiet in my mind, don’t get me wrong. But a part of me wishes I could feel other things as well.

I’m just waiting for the inauguration for now. It was a shock to me that despite Joe Biden’s decisive win, certification, we still ended up at the brink of a civil war with violence and riots in the lead up. Pictures of the capitol with all the troops camping on site to protect American democracy against its own citizens made me deeply sad. I never thought I would witness a day like this.

I’m an immigrant. I chose to move to the US as a 17 year old for college. A huge part of me has recently been asking myself the question, did I pick the wrong country? Canada is right next door, and things look so much better there. What happened with the insurrection in the US is unthinkable in other industrialized countries. Unthinkable. And the divide between the rich and the poor continues to grow.

I’m glad I have a long weekend. I’m hoping I find enough emotion to finish the next single I’m working on. I love it every time I pull it up on Logic to work on it, but I give up after a few cycles of listening and harmonizing to the lead melody. Keeping my fingers crossed the extra time with give me the push I need. 🙂 I cooked a lot of lovely food last night and today, and it made me feel more at ease. Paying attention to my health is one way that I center myself, and food is an important part of that.

Hope everyone is staying safe and well and taking care of themselves.

Grey Like It’s a Thursday

Just finished writing a new song and it’s ready to be released on Soundcloud tomorrow! Super happy about the release. But I’m not going to lie, it’s been a weird and tough week. Not because of what was going on outside, but because I wasn’t feeling it on the inside. I learned today that my feeling of loss at the end of a creative project is quite common for artists.

It makes sense, especially given how much I love the process of creating. Each song has a part of my soul in it, and when it’s done there is a process of mourning and letting go.

On to the next. 🙂 So glad tomorrow is Friday…

Bright and Sunny Monday

Spectacular, bright and sunny Monday today. Brought a little bit of peace with it. On a day like this, you can almost forget everything raging and breaking in the world right now. Breathe it in, lovely warm afternoon sun streaming through the window. Reminds me of lazy summer afternoons from when I was a kid and summer vacation felt boring and long.

I hope everyone is doing okay and had a decent start to the week. Hugs.

Curiouser and Curiouser

It’s been a weird few weeks. Anyone in the US following the news cycle can attest to that. In California, the fires are still raging though I think we should get some relief as the weather cools down and we get some rain. Keeping my fingers crossed and my thoughts with the folks close to the fires.

The news on the national front is getting more strange as well, I really don’t know what to expect from this year anymore.

As my brain continues to unravel with the Fall season, I gave myself another haircut this past weekend. It was oddly exhilarating and liberating. I’ve been fixing it over the past few days, and it felt pretty artistic as a process. I think it also made me feel like I was in control of something. I think that’s part of the reason why I still dress up for work like I’m going to present in person in front of executives at client companies nearly every day, just to feel like something matters as far as work is concerned.

I’ve also started working on a new song this past week! I’m having a lot of fun with this one and it’s quite different from Peekaboo. I won’t lie, I’m scrambling for things to feel like I have a reason to wake up in the morning these days. This week sometimes it’s been episodes of the Great British Bake Show, which is so much fun. Working on the new song also helps. Mostly, I just miss my family and close friends and city life. I hope we find new ways to enjoy the same connections we used to before this pandemic.

Hoping to find some peace and calm this week as it winds down. Happy Wednesday!

Peekaboo! New Release! :)

Really excited I was able to release this track today:

This song started as an idea that sprung from a conversation with a friend on attachment theory. Soon after, one of my best friends suggested that I take an inner child journaling course with her. This set up the space in my mind to look back in my life. My grandmother passed away during the second week of the course, and I finished writing the song as a tribute to her unconditional love and my childhood. Enjoy!

New Song Wrapped Up!

Just finished a new single this past weekend, and have scheduled it to be released on Friday. So excited! It made me really happy to write it and finish it. I partly used it as a way to process the grief of my grandmother passing, but mostly as a tribute to my childhood and her unconditional love. I’m really grateful to a couple of friends for important conversations around our childhood as well, one of whom suggested I take the Pathway to Peace course with her. The coursework paved the way for me to finish writing this song. I can’t wait to share it, so stay tuned for more soon!!

Almost A Normal Weekend

I was desolate when I saw the news on Friday: that the Notorious RBG, one of my heroes and a true legend, had passed away. Things are so uncertain now American friends of mine are starting to panic. I have no idea what the next few months will look like for me, a brown, immigrant woman witnessing the US’ social and political upheaval.

But this weekend brought a breath of fresh air and sunshine. Restaurants and salons have started to open up, and I’m seeing happier faces on the streets. I met up with two sets of friends for food over the weekend, and got my nails done. Being around people I love was wonderful, and reminded me all the amazing aspects of my life I used to love. The weather was sunny and perfect, and the air quality was so good that it was almost hard to remember the wildfires.

As we continue to move forward with this crazy year and a really murky future, I’m grateful I had a lovely weekend of laughter, good food, and loved ones. Oh, and my toenails are now an iridescent, shimmering teal. 🙂

Here’s to hoping there’s hope, here’s to love and laughter. Hope you are all staying safe and well! Much love.

Hello, Fall!

Only a week away, but the season already feels like it’s ended. I wore fall colors today (wine) to celebrate. AQI is 42 and green right now, I’m so grateful, relieved and happy to see that. Sadly, Portland is still in bad shape. Hoping it rains there soon to help.

Feeling peaceful and calm today, despite a hectic and frazzled morning. Hope you are all well!

AQI: 238

I can’t breathe properly, despite my air purifier. I’ve been paying attention to the threshold changes today, and I could really notice the difference from 160 to 238. I thought it was in the red all afternoon (176 when I’d last checked), but during a meeting I started feeling progressively more light headed and tired and mentally foggy. I checked right after, curious, and realized why I was feeling awful: the AQI is 238 right now.

Still feeling calm, which I’m grateful for. Also have amazing family and friends checking in and staying in touch, thank you all so much for staying connected. I’m so grateful for you and I love you.

My second purifier has been shipped, and will hopefully arrive soon. The one I’ve currently got running is maxed out as the air indoors isn’t really holding out.

Okay, I think I’m going to take a nap.